Okay, let me begin by saying I have nothing against Christmas newsletters. In fact, I love getting yearly updates from old and new friends. That said, I always receive at least one that is so completely unbelievable that I want to dash off a quick note and say, “Aw, come on! We all know life is not perfect. Children are not perfect. Families are not perfect. So, please, pretty please, tell it like it is and welcome to the human race.”
Years ago, I penned the following in reaction to one of the aforementioned Christmas letters. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Merry Christmas, everyone from the extremely imperfect,
Christmas Letters You’d Love to Get (But Never Will)
Merry Xmas from the Squatleys!
What a year we’ve had! Our oldest boy, Joey—can you believe he’s fourteen already—gets a two-week Christmas furlough from juvie lockup. In case you don’t remember all the details, here’s a quote from his scrapbook, “Arrest of Local Youth Puts Stop to Crime Wave.” We’re all pleased as punch he’s coming home. That five- finger discount really helps with the “Christmas shopping!” (Just kidding, ha, ha.)
Our oldest girl, Florentine, received quite an honor. She was voted the most responsible sexually active girl in the junior class. Florry always has a case of condoms tucked under the seat of her Chevy Luv. Looks like all those mother/daughter chats paid off. Dr. Laura’s right. You gotta spend time with your kids! All this, plus her 2.1 GPA has us all swelled up with pride.
Speaking of safe sex, after the birth of the triplets, Lloyd and I decided “six is enough.” Lloyd’s not too keen on getting snipped so it looks like I’m elected. I hope like hell it’s not too late. Me and Lloyd had one of our “special” evenings a while back. When Lloyd walks in with a twelve pack of Bud and splashes on the Old Spice, I know I’m in for a good time. Anyhow, the cotton ponies are still waiting to be saddled up, if you get my drift.
As for the triplets, we’re still trying to get them potty-trained. They’ll be going to kindergarten next fall and I keep telling Lloyd, “We’ve been knee-deep in crap around her long enough and they just don’t make diapers that big!” Problem is I can’t tell the little suckers apart. I think we’ve been taking the same kid to the potty over and over! I knew it was a mistake to cut off those hospital ID bracelets.
I saved the best for last. Remember our 15-year-old Harriet? Well, thanks to one of them doctor shows on TV, Harriet is now Harold! That’s right, an all expenses paid sex change and a trip to New York City! Harriet (I mean Harold) says he can always change back if it don’t work out. Betcha can’t top that one!
Well, that’s all the news from the Squatleys. Hope you have a hell of a Christmas and rockin’ New Year.